grief resources

If you could ask a question of any other teen in the world who has had a loss, what would it be? And if you could answer someone else's question, what would you say? Submit your Teens' Talk questions and/or answers by e-mailing TeensTalk@comfortzonecamp.org. 

 

My Mom/Dad is dating again, and I'm worried that they're trying to replace my loved one. What can I do?

 

The way i thought of it was that my mom dating was to make her happy and to get her mind off things. No one will ever replace your loved one in you heart. Your parent just has to have some fun time to get things off their minds..!! - Laura, 16

 

My mom recently started dating, and it's really hard to adjust to. I never thought that my mom would meet someone else that she feels extremely passionate towards other than my Dad. I'm happy for my mom, because the man that she's with is a widower, his wife died 1 year ago, and they're very happy. I feel that marriage would be a bit extreme at this point, but all I can do is be happy for my mom, because if she's happy, I'm happy. Make sure that you're comfortable with the person that your Mom/Dad is dating, and if you feel a weird vibe off of them, tell your Mom/Dad. It may be awkward, but in the end it's the best. - Julia

 

 

It can be really hard to talk to your Mom/Dad about dating after losing a parent. If you have siblings, they can help relate to what you are feeling about the current situation. If you don’t have siblings a good trustworthy friend can help you as well. Just know that your Mom/ Dad is not trying to replace your loved one. They know that no one will ever fill that void. - Joelle, 14

 

Talk to your Mom/Dad if you are feeling like they are trying to replace your loved one. Parents can be a great source of answers and confidence. - Timmy, 18

 

My mom remarried two and a half years ago and to say the least, I was not very happy. I could tell my mom was happy though and so for her sake I pretended to be okay. My mom’s husband is a nice guy, but he’s definitely not my dad. I would say it’s a hard adjustment for the whole family because everyone has to try to be comfortable with each other and figure out the kind of relationship you will all have. I’m not very close with my stepdad but I’ve been trying really hard to stay closer to my mom. It’s not an easy transition when a parent starts dating again and there is unfortunately no formula to make it that way. Each situation is different, but make sure not to keep your emotions bottled up. Having someone to talk to, whether it’s your parent, a sibling, or even just a friend, makes a difference. - Candace, 18

 

Your parents aren't trying to replace your loved one. You have to understand the fact that they don't want to spend the rest of their life alone, because before you know it, you'll be grown up and having your own life to deal with. So, it's not that their replacing them, and it doesn't mean they’re over the loss, but nobody should have to spend their life alone. Talk to your parent about it, and they'll tell you how they feel. Don't ever be afraid to ask about it, they may not want to talk about it at the moment, but come back at a better time and discuss it together, don't be scared to let them know how you feel. - Deanna, 13

 

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When does it get easier?

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There is no specific point that I can look back on and say "oh yeah, that's when it became easier." For me, every day I got out of bed and allowed myself to smile and be truly happy, it would get a little bit easier.  Whenever I tell my story, it gets easier (I can get through it without crying now!). Also, because of time passing, reading some really good books, and going to CZC, I no longer feel so guilty for letting him go and for being happy without him here years later. There are days when it is still so hard to be here without him that I can barely breathe, but those days are farther and farther apart now. I can see the world clearly now; I am no longer numb. I think that happened after two years of him being dead. After that, it was really hard. I think the real reason it got easier for me is because I went to camp a lot and whenever I really miss my Dad and am having trouble getting through the day, I can just call or text one of my camp friends. Having them makes it so much easier; it's like they fill a huge part of the whole in my hear my dad left wide open. - Sarah, 17

 

at first you never think it going to get easier but it does. there will always be little things that remind you of your loved one but once you learn to cope with it in different ways and sometimes it seems so hard but over time it gives you a different feeling then sadness it becomes a part of you and is what makes you, YOU ! - Nikki

 

I think that it takes a long time for it to get easier. I know for me it just got harder because I lost my mom at such a young age, so the loss really hit me as I got older, instead of the other way around. But I think that Comfort Zone Camp is an amazing way to make losing someone easier, even though losing a loved one is the hardest thing in the world. - Diane, 15

 

It’s tough to say when it gets easier; I think it is different for everyone. I cannot personally look back and say when it started to get easier for me. As time goes on, you start to just make adjustments and get used to your life without your loved one. It seems like it never will get easier at first, but as time goes on it does. You will still have your sad days but there will be more time in-between them. - Sam, 18

 

After losing a loved one it never gets entirely easier to go on with life without them. The way you cope with your loss can change over time, and some times may be better than others. Your grief journey is like a river. Sometimes it feels like you are paddling upstream, but other times you’re paddling downstream. The fact that you’ve lost a loved one never goes away, although as time goes on, the way you deal with your grief may become easier. - Joelle, 14

 

It gets easier every time that you talk about your loss and you go somewhere and realize that you are not alone. - Timmy, 18

 

I don’t remember when it finally stuck with me that this was not going to be a temporary thing; my Dad was never coming back. I don’t remember when I was able to start looking at pictures of him without tears in my eyes. I couldn’t tell you when I was able to start talking about him again without dwelling on the fact that he was gone, nor could I tell you when I was finally able to start getting through days without thinking about it every other minute. I don’t know when the first night I was able to fall asleep without thinking about him was, and I’m not sure when I realized that I could no longer fully imagine how things would be if he was still here. I wish I could tell you that there’s a magic day you can look forward when things will be easier, but I can’t.     

At first I thought I was going to get over it. Everyone was telling me that I needed to, so I just assumed that that was what happens. Of course, I realize now that that concept is completely dumb.   You never get over a loss; it’s something that you live with forever, but as time goes on, things do get easier.

Like I said, I couldn’t tell you when it got easier for me. It just happened over time. Half the time, I wouldn’t even realize it. It happens though. You start to think about it less, though you never stop thinking about it completely; there still is not a day that goes by that I don’t have some thought about my Dad. The more I talked about things, the easier it got for me, and now I am able to remember and talk about my Dad and smile. - Sam, 17

 

Unfortunately the sense of loss will always be there. The actual grieving process does eventually get easier. The amount of time that this takes varies with each person and even once it gets easier, it is likely to get hard again. For me at least, with time, it has become easier to deal with however I’m feeling. That’s most important to me. There was a time when I didn’t think I should still be getting upset or still be crying, but I’ve learned that it’s acceptable to do so. Knowing how to handle your feelings is most important. - Candace, 18

 

It gets easier over time, there's no certain turning point when you feel like it's ok or even good, at least for me. You don't just wake up one day and say "Wow it's easier" you kind of feel it happening over time. There isn't going to be a humongous change from one day to another. - Julia, 13

 

When you lose someone who was too special for words to describe, you often feel like you will not be able to carry on. The emotions you are experiencing are truly your own. While others can sincerely console you and help you take your grief in baby-steps, no one knows exactly how you may feel because the connection between yourself and your loved one was unique. The healing process is just as unique. Despite these incomparable feelings, for each and every loss, time helps to heal. I truly believe that no one “gets over” a death of someone close to them. I hope that you never “get over it.” I hope you grow from it. It has happened and you heal, meaning that you find peace with yourself, accept the passing, and learn to grow by discovering your own strength. When you can remember the good times happily and share them without being timid about how others may feel towards the death, you have reached a major milestone in coping.  

At this point, you have found some closure with yourself; you are not pitying or mourning.  When my mother died 3 years ago, each day was marked and plagued by events that I anticipated to be different because she was not there or events that were no longer going to happen because she wasn’t there. Anything from walking the dog with her, to little house chores, to saying goodnight, I regarded as less enjoyable and bleak. As time passed though I came to realize that all these little things that I would do with my mom reminded me that she is alive in my heart. Whenever I eat chocolate cake, I have to sing because she would sing for chocolate cake. I am guilty as charged and happy to say so. Whenever I arrive home I think to myself “home again home again jig giddy jog” (admittedly I have no idea what this means) but I smile because that’s what mom always said.

So as I was accepting that even though my mother would not physically be with me in the future, she could always remain in my heart and mind because when you are so closely and deeply connected to someone, those places, your heart and mind, are shared timelessly. No one ever said it was going to be easy; I know that, and so do you. For many nights I thought of all the things I would sacrifice if doing so would somehow change the past. But, I started to realize (since I knew I could not change the past) that my future could be as bright and happy as I perceived.  

Trust me, the first time I told this to myself, I thought I was going to puke with all these warm and fuzzy clichés. It was difficult for me to face this message until I reflected on what my mother meant to me. She was a strong, adventurous, independent woman and taught me to not back down just because the going gets tough. So I thought to myself that the going was pretty tough right now and I should probably get going. For me, things got easier right there: when I could see clearly that my mother had been so cherished in my life and had so loved me that she had left an invisible mark on my heart and my personality. When I feel lonely because she is gone, I just remember that mom is never farther away than I make her. Once she was gone, I had to realize that it was all within my power and capabilities to cherish and remember her. When I accepted that when she passed, she passed not only herself to a better place but also her love and charisma onto me, her death no longer denied me happiness, normalcy, or success. Instead, it offered me hope and strength because however much I loved her she loved me even more and she gave me that same abundance of love to share in her honor. I cry as I write this and I can barely see the computer screen but my tears have changed from those of sorrow to those of joy and I have learned that I did not suffer a loss but I experienced a change.

To mom, thanks for all you do. - Kathryn, 16

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Fill in the blank: Grief is like ________________.

To share your answer, e-mail TeensTalk@comfortzonecamp.org

 

Grief is like waking up in an empty house without the ones you love. - Shaun

 

Grief is like a HOLE....in the center of my chest. - Michael

 

Grief is like your shadow... a little piece of darkness that is always near you. - Matt

 

Caveat: Everyone has their own opinions - but I feel true grief has no ups nor downs. Great thoughts and there will be the proverbial silver lining, but that's past the point of grief. I know, I'm not there yet :( - Shaun

 

Grief is like a roller coaster.............one minute you're fine, then bam ! your stomach is in your throat!! - Jodi 

 

Grief is like a hole in your chest that you finally manage to close, but still reopens every now and then. - Danielle, 17 

 

Grief is like a cough without the breath in. - Earl

 

Grief is like the weather, somedays its cold and very lonely and somedays its full of warmth and no worries. :] - Niki, 14

 

Grief is like you just got hit by a train, but you recover. - Cindy

 

Greif is like the wind just got knocked out of you, but then you remember the good times and you catch it. - Paige

 

Grief is like a never ending storm. The sun is just a memory. - Kate

 

death is a night-that lies between two days...didn't quite fill in the blank right, but i found this quote recently and really liked it. - Rachel

 

Grief is like a roller coaster- it has its ups and downs and sometimes and there are susprises around the corner. - Tracey

 

Grief is like Missing a Part of Your Heart/Soul. - Anonymous

 

...the cleaners losing one sock from every pair you own... Recovering can be realizing you can just wear flip flops instead - Ben

 

Grief is like a cold winter wind slicing through your ribs. - Thomas

 

Grief is like a scar. It never goes away, but gets easier to deal with over time. - Diane, 15

 

Grief is constricting. - Lexi, 21

 

Grief is like a rollercoaster, you're never going to go in a straight line, you will always have your ups and downs. - Kateland, 17

 

Pain. Alot of pain. - Steph, 15

 

Grief is like a puzzle, and CZC helps the missing pieces to somehow magicially become smaller. - Sarah, 17

 

Grief is like your fingerprint. Your experience of it will be unique and personal to you. No one's grief is exactly like yours. You can grieve in ways that suit you and who you are. - Krista, 17 

 

Have a question you'd like answered? E-mail it to TeensTalk@comfortzonecamp.org.

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Do you feel like your loss has changed you as a person? If so, how?

To share your answer, e-mail us at TeensTalk@comfortzonecamp.org 

 

Yes, I know it had changed me as a person. I believe its for the better though. Now don't get me wrong I miss my mom so much and i'd love for her to be back, but I have grown so much as a person. I appreciate so much more in life and I don't take as many things for granted. I cherish every second of life and every memory with my friends and family. I am a strong person. My loss has made me who I am today.
 
-Tori, 15

 

My loss has changed me greatly. I have had five losses since I was tweleve and I believe that they have made me a more empathetic person. People often come to me for advice and such because they know that I can relate in some way and can give some kind of advice. The loss of my dad, when I was fourteen, probably changed me the most. I know how important it is to spend time with your family because you never know when they will be gone. I tell my mom that I love her every day, multiple times because I don't know if it will be the last time I see her. I grew up quickly when my dad died. My mom had to start working so my brother and I gained a lot of responsibility such as cleaning, cooking, etc. I'm not sure if it has changed me for the better, but it has definitely changed me. - Annie, 18

 

My loss has changed me so much and I tell many of my closest friends and family that it has made me who I am today. Although I miss my mother dearly sometimes (she died over three years ago) I know that I would not be as independent as I am now if she were still here. It may seem odd but I have come to feel grateful that I have experienced a loss and had the support and strength to carry on. Life is just as difficult as it is beautiful and everyone must one day face grief and loss. Even when I feel sad I try to remember that I have been through a tough time in my life and it has made me stronger. I feel like I gained a lot of empathy for other people and come to truly appreciate that everyone is dealing with some obstacle, whether large or small, in their lives. After I lost my mother, I learned to appreciate the little things in life more and the joy she showed me: I used to like to cook and bake with her and now I love to bake even more, especially with those I love because it allows me to turn what could be seen as bitter memories of loss into something sweet. Most everyone always said I was mature for my age (but I am pretty childish too!) but after my mom passed away, I did a lot of growing up and learned that life, for me, is often about finding a balance whether between work and play, maturity and immaturity, joy and sadness. I learned how to take care of myself: I had more responsibilities like cooking, cleaning, errands, chores, etc., and I constantly realize that I have had the opportunity to practice living in “the real world” on “my own” before most people do. My loss better prepared me for other challenges that I face and will face, but more importantly, my loss proved to me that everyone is much stronger than they think. - Kathryn, 16

 

Yes, my life has been changed in many ways by my loss. One major one is that the foundation of what I expected in my life changed when my father died. Because things continued to "happen" after he died, and because of the things I got involved in and people I met, I became able to accept changes better and to go with the flow. I also became more aware of others' suffering where I encountered it. - Ed

 

Yes I do think that the loss of my father has chanced me as a person. After my dad died I began to realize that I have to save every moment with my loved ones as possible because I might not have that moment again. - Anonymous

 

I feel like my loss has changed me alot.  I think the loss of my father in November of 2005 was probably one of the hardest things I will ever have to go through.  I remember how at first I was so cold and so bitter and just wanted to go to school and go home, but then slowly after I went to camp I began to change once again I became the same old me, but in a much mature version.  People say when they meet me that I am way beyond my years and I definitely believe that I am especially with my friends they call me the mother of the group because I am always taking precautions or helping them with the problem the only thing my loss has not changed is my sense of humor, but i believe that my loss has changed my love for my family its only made it stronger. - Niki Lynn, 14

 

I believe my loss had made me more mature and stronger as a person. I am more responsible and cautious of the actions I make. People always tell me I act older then I am, I think the reason for that is when my dad died I felt like I had to grow up and become an adult. - Steph, 15

 

My feelings have changed since my dad died in March of 2006. I am a bit more used to the fact that he's no longer around, and I don't wake up and panic that he's not in my house, because it's more normal than it was before. I also still have some of the same feelings, like the inability to realize what happened at times. - Julia, 13

 

Yes, it has changed me alot actually. It kind of made me put my life into perspective. I learned not to take things for granted. I learned to capture the moment when it happens. Don't look at the bad times that you had in the past, look at what good has happened. - Laura, 16

 

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Do you ever try to hold your emotions in so that you don't upset anyone else? 

To share your answer, e-mail us at TeensTalk@comfortzonecamp.org

 

I always try to hold my ground for my mom and my brother. But holding it in isn't the best thing, I've learned that. Because I held it all in for so long that when I let my emotions out it felt like never ending. - Steph, 15

 

Yes, I constantly and continuously hold my emotions around my family, and especially my friends. I honestly could not tell you why I continue to do this, when I know that it just makes me feel worse, but I have come up with a theory. I feel that I don't share my sad emotions as much as my happy ones when I'm around anyone, even people I can trust, because I fear that they will not understand why I'm feeling what I am. The only place where I can truly be myself, emotions and all, is at Comfort Zone because I know that almost everyone at camp will understand, and almost all of them have probably felt the same way. - Melissa, 14, NJ

 

Right after my Dad died, I felt like I needed to be strong for my Mom. The only time I let myself cry was alone, in the dark of night. This holding in of my grief at home made it difficult for me to concentrate on anything but his death. Also, I didn't talk to people who would have listened to me, like my best friends, because I was jealous that they still had their Dads and I didn't want to make them sad. I realize now how important it is to find someone you can talk to about grief; someone you can truthfully look in the eye at all times to say exactly how you feel. I didn't do this until the first time I went to camp, but now I am able to do this with my friends at home, too. They care about me and are glad I have finally opened up. - Sarah, 17
 

Right after my Dad died, it drove me absolutely crazy when people asked me if I was OK. Some days, it took every ounce of energy in me to not scream “What do you think? Would you be OK if your Dad died?” Not only did the question itself bother me, but the way in which it was generally asked made me feel like there was something wrong with me. The “OK” was dragged out as if, because I had just lost someone, I was unable to understand English. I never knew what to say either. I wanted to say no. Everything inside of me was screaming no, but I couldn't. I always said “yes” or “I guess,” because that was what everyone wanted to hear. - Sam, 17

 

I do this when someone says a ‘Yo Momma’ joke to me and I don't want to say something like "ha ha ha that’s funny, by the way my mom’s dead." (Then there is that awkward silence for a long time...) - Timmy, 18
 

I tend to do that. I always feel like I shouldn't bring the people around me down just because I’m having a rough day. I couldn't be any more wrong. Keeping your emotions bottled up inside will not make things any easier. Talking to someone you trust, like a best friend or a family member, can have such a positive impact. It takes the load of stress or pain you carry around off your shoulders. The people that are closest to you want to help, so don't think that your emotions will bring them down. They love you and are there to listen. (: - Ashley, 17
 

There are definitely times when I try to be the strong one. I don’t like making other people cry, especially my family. - Candace, 18
 

Sometimes I feel that I need to keep my emotions myself, but that was more prevalent about a year after he died, but as I continue to go to camps, it gets easier to share info with friends and family. - Julia, 13
 

Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't cry or get angry about the loss of my loved one in front of my family or friends, because I know they're also sharing a great deal of pain, but sometimes it's good to cry, and whomever may be around you, might feel the same way you do. Even if they don't, they'll understand. Bottling up emotions isn't healthy; let them out, and express your feelings. - Deanna, 13
 

Have a question you'd like answered? E-mail it to TeensTalk@comfortzonecamp.org.

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To share your answer, e-mail us at TeensTalk@comfortzonecamp.org. 

 

Recently, I have entered a new high school and going into it, I didn't know anyone. Of course being a normal teenager, I worried about making friends and such but my main concern was explaining the loss of my dad. I quickly made friends and there are still many people that don't know the story of why I live alone with my mom. An easy way to bring up the topic is telling a story involving your loved one. For me, I might be saying something funny about my dad and then add in that he passed away so that I can keep on with my story and there is no awkward silence. Later on it's easier to have a real conversation about my dad with that person, since the ice was finally broken. - Claire, 15

 

Once, in third grade, when I was making a reference to my dad, I had a girl ask me why she hasn't met him when at my house. I realized that she wasn't aware that my dad had passed away. At the school I went to, it was common for the dad never to be home from his job, they were all big-wigs at major companies, and hardly had time for their families. A part of me was begging for me to not tell her, for fear of crying, but another part wanted me to tell her to risk having to do it at a different time. I had been pushing away the subject of telling my story because I was new in the school and didn't want to feel even more awkward than I already did. I ended up telling her, and it wasn't as hard as I had imagined, she is one of my best friends now for five years, and she doesn't even flinch when I talk about my dad. She comforts me when I need comforting, and gives me a shoulder to cry on. I have never had an experience where telling my story to someone has turned out bad. Yes, there is that awkward silence when you're done, but after that, it truly gets better. The saying, "telling your story heals you a little bit more," does hold true to my life. Now that I'm older, I have learned that true friends will support you no matter what, and that it is actually a lot easier to tell your story to them then to keep it a secret. - Melissa, 14

 

It depends who you are talking to or how you feel. When I first got to High School, I was eager to leave the "Girl-Whose-Dad-Died" label behind, so I didn't tell anyone. After about 6 months, I realized I didn't feel like any of my new friends really knew me; my Dad is such a huge part of who I am. I told a few of them, and they all said they were sorry. It was as if I had placed down a barrier they felt they were unable to cross. Not everyone is going to handle death with the grace you appear to. With telemarketers, I let myself be angry. I say "My Dad died! If he can't come back for me, why would he come back to you?" It may be rude, but I feel it is better to do this to telemarketers than keep the anger in or take it out on those you love or in violence. Sometimes when I first meet someone I try to ask about the other person's family so they will ask about mine, that way we can get the awkward "My Dad died" conversation out of the way. I've learned it makes most people more uncomfortable than saying it will make you feel, in fact, sometimes it can even be a bit of a relief. I usually try to make a joke about it, like "okay, well, that was awkward!" It gets easier with time. And if you get a little choked up when you say you're loved one is dead, it's totally normal. - Sarah

 

At first I tried to avoid talking about my family with people I didn't really know. I knew I would get alot of "Im Sorrys," but I didn't want people to treat me like I was different just because my father died. But I realized that people would find out sooner or later so if the subject of my parents would come up i just simply say, "My dad died 5 years ago." If you are open with your loss, let them know it's ok and you don't mind talking about it. But if you're not as open with your loss, just say, for example, "My dad died when I was 9," and change the subject. And if the person continues to talk about your loved one, just ask if you could not talk about it. - Steph,15

 

I’ve learned to anticipate people’s reactions when they hear about my loss. They usually say something like “Oh. I’m sorry.” and then look away awkwardly because they don’t know how to respond. I try not to make them feel uncomfortable and let them know that I’m not offended that they asked. The situation is always more awkward if I act awkward about it. I’ve found that when people ask me if they can ask me questions, I always prefer that response. For me, that is so much better than the uncomfortable silence otherwise. There was of course a time when I was not ready to talk about my Dad with anyone and that is completely acceptable as well. – Candace, 18

 

I just say, “My dad died in 2006.”   (And if the question is about him, I just give the answer that was true when he was alive. i.e.: he was a lawyer [what was his job?]) – Julia, 13

 

For the first year or so, if someone asked about my Dad and I knew that I wouldn’t see them again or wasn’t going to have any sort of close relationship with them, I would avoid the question or say what was true when he was alive.  One time I was at camp for a few weeks and had a picture of my family.  A girl asked me where my Dad was and I told her that he was taking the picture.  It was just easier to be “normal” and not have to deal with an awkward reaction. 

 

Now if it comes up, I usually will tell the person that my Dad died when I was eleven.  I’ve learned that if I’m just up front and open, most people will tell me they’re sorry and we can move on from there.  Since they were completely taken by surprise, I usually try to start talking again to ease that momentary tension.  Sometimes it’s awkward, but I barely even notice it anymore.  My Dad’s death is something that has shaped my life so much.  I wouldn’t be the person I am if things had turned out differently, so I feel like it is almost a part of me that I don’t mind sharing.  Plus, it’s much easier to talk about things now than it used to be.  The other thing that I like is that it sometimes triggers a really amazing conversation.  I realize that I have connections with the most random people, and that is really refreshing for me. – Sam, 17

 

If you're shy about it then say what your other parent might be like or change the subject, it’s your choice to say what you want if it is a little or a lot that is your choice. If your an outgoing kind of person then you should try to start by "So what would you like to know about my loved one," something like that would get the conversation moving. – Timmy, 18

 

Considering that they don't know about the loss, I'd tell them that my loved one has passed away and moved on to a better place. Sometimes it's hard to think about it, or even see the others' reactions. But, it's better for them to know. – Deanna, 13

 

One time a girl in my grade had never heard me talk about my Dad and assumed that my parents were divorced. One day I told her about my mom going out of town and she asked if I could stay at my Dad’s house. It took me a few seconds to figure out what she was talking about. I said, “No, I can’t. My dad died when I was eight.” Her face dropped and she totally freaked out and said she was so sorry. I told her that it was fine, that it wasn’t her fault, and that she didn’t know. Usually if you just tell the person flat out it makes everything easier. – Joelle, 14

 

Ultimately it depends on you and what you feel comfortable saying. But when I meet someone new and they ask about my dad, I explain that he passed away when I was eight and then I just try to paint the picture of what he was like and say how I think he was a great person. I don’t get too into detail about it, because who knows what their comfort level is about it. But I think it is best to at least lay it out there a little bit. – Sam, 18 

 

Have a question you’d like answered? E-mail it to TeensTalk@comfortzonecamp.org.