HelloGrief.org
Remembering loved ones at graduation
By Lynne Hughes, Founder and CEO, Comfort Zone Camp
The end of the school year is usually a time for celebration. Your child is reaching a large milestone, a traditional passage of "childhood" gone by, with wide-eyed anticipation of what lies ahead as our kids get ready for their next step forward.
If you are missing a loved one at this time, their absence is often more evident as they miss school banquets, awards, and reflections on recent milestones. If you are marking the end of school with a graduation, that can be stressful, sad, and at the least, bittersweet.
You know it is coming, your graduate knows it is coming, so what do you do? I would suggest the following:
- Don’t make it the “elephant in the room,” and pretend it isn’t a big deal, or a day you won’t be missing your loved one. Talk about it with your family, and especially with your graduating child.
- Come up with ways of incorporating your loved one into the graduation. There are no magic answers; you have to decide what is meaningful for you. Some of my favorite suggestions I have heard include: putting a photo of the loved one inside the graduation cap, wearing a piece of clothing or jewelry of the loved one, carrying a rose, or doing a family or individual balloon release to send the loved one a message.
- Consider inviting someone who is very special to the graduate to attend—a close friend of their loved one, or an out-of-town friend or relative. It obviously isn’t the same but who is someone that would brighten the occasion?
- Anticipate it is going to be a tough day for you both. Consider what YOU will need to get through the day. Invite someone who is special to you to attend. Do something that helps you relieve stress in anticipation, such as exercise, garden, meditate, etc. It is also important to plan to do something nice for yourself after you made it through—reward yourself that evening or the next day. It is important to nurture yourself and give yourself something to look forward to.
For many seniors in high school, senior year and the anticipation of the graduation itself can be more stressful than the actual transition of going to college. The key word is anticipation—knowing their family member will miss that milestone. Knowing that they are moving to a new phase of their life that their loved one will never know can trigger a new cycle of grief.
If you have a child who is going into his or her senior year next year, help support your child throughout the year. Talk in advance about how you are going to honor your family member during graduation. Share new stories about your loved one that you child may not already know. Doing this work in advance of graduation and transitioning into college, “anticipatory grief,” is hard work, but prepares them for making that actual transition less emotional and a little easier.
For those who have graduated or have a plan for your graduation, please share your tips on how to remember your loved one on such a special day by leaving comment below.
Comments
Graduation day is always an
Graduation day is always an emotional memory for me, I didn't have too many friends back then but the few friends I had then I have them now too so I am proud with that. I would just like to add that I know few people who would gladly turn back time if they could and quit college, skip graduation day in return of fake degrees. Student loans is the main reason for that, they pay their loans even now after 8 years since the graduation and college didn't help them get the job of their dreams... Did they overestimated themselves or did the society underestimated them? I think the answer is somewhere at the middle.
getting through graduation...
Graduation was really, really tough for me. My twin brother, ben, died January of our senior year. My principal had called me into her office just a couple weeks before graduation to ask if I wanted a seat left empty next to me for where ben was supposed to be. I didn't know how to respond.
So many thoughts ran through my head. In one way it honored him, we weren't forgetting him..... at the same time it would be an empty seat- ben wouldn't be next to me....making me laugh, we wouldn't be elbowing each other.....and would the student on the other side feel weird with an empty seat next to them? I felt guilty saying yes and guilty saying no.
I did end up accepting my principal's offer and I had prepared myself to be super strong and tough on graduation, and I was. Mostly.
My classmates were getting lots of hugs and "Congratulations-we so happy for you!" greetings from their friends & parents yet my hugs came with condolences "This must be so hard for you..." etc. I quickly eschewed any attempts to break my super defense- my emotions were well protected, no reason to feel sorry for me. I assured everyone that I was okay, changed the subject and was focused on my mission- making it through and not making anyone else sad. Happy, happy.
The music began and our class walked in and sat down. Looking at the seat next to me my heart swelled and pounded, my fingers trembled, my stomach imploded. I took deep breaths and smiled politely forcing back tears. Multiple speeches were given and then it was time to line up and receive our diplomas. My name was called and as I began to walk across the stage tears just starting streaming down my face- nothing could stop them.
I hated that everyone could see my heart breaking-shattering, they were witnessing my deepest hurt and pain- something so private, but the worst part was acknowledging the moment itself.
A day ben and I couldn't wait for-graduation! This was one of the first realizations that I was beginning a new life alone, not with my twin.
Graduation was difficult, but helped me grow and heal. I agree with the suggestion about "the elephant in the room" pretending to be okay when you're not. There are many emotions around this big day and perhaps if I had acknowledged/embraced them earlier, it might not have been as painful.
-volunteer, big buddy
Graduation
My husband died a few years back. My eldest graduated from high school this past May. Even though it has been 7 yrs since he died, it was still a major event to get through without my husband.
He missed high school and this boy turning into a man. As the keynote speaker asked the boys to rise and applaud their parents, I saw my son scanning the room for me. The pride and acknowledgement as he clapped for me brought tears...oh how we both wished my husband/his dad could have been there to see this major event.
To honor the memory of his dad on this auspicious day, we talked about how proud he would have been of our son. We then went to a favorite restaurant with his grandparents and siblings...his presence was there all around us as we laughed, hugged and shed a few tears....now I have to get through 2 more!
Celebration
Last Sunday was the 1 year anniversary of my grandmother's death. My grandmother was my primary caregiver for about 85% of my life, so losing her last year was like losing a parent. To keep the atmosphere light and commemorative at the same time, a group of friends, my mom, and I spent the day doing activities that Grandma liked to do. We had chili dogs at her favorite hot dog stand, then went to see the movie "Star Trek", as she was a big fan. While at the hot dog stand, we all took turns sharing funny stories we had about Grandma. This kept everyone laughing and focused on the good times :) Your organization has a wonderful mission. Thank Facebook for telling me about you - I'm thinking of volunteering sometime in the future!
Wow. Thank you.
I am so inspired by your organization, website, and everything else that you do for children and their families. You have so much good content that I could not possible take it all in at once.
In providing therapeutic services for young children, we were having a difficult time finding specific tools to help our demographic of children cope with the loss of a loved one. We recently asked our Clinical Supervisor to create a memory book and I thought you might find it interesting: http://www.trinityharbor.com/children_death_dying_grief.htm
With deepest respect,
Chris Gordon
Program Director
Trinity Harbor Therapeutic Services, Inc.
P.S. I will add a link to your website from ours.
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