HelloGrief.org
Am I Over It?
By Lynne Hughes, Comfort Zone Camp Founder and CEO
My mother died 36 years ago this past Saturday, January 9th. That is a LONG time ago. Her death has been more a part of me than her being alive.
January 9th is not a hard day for me anymore. My mood doesn’t change, I don’t do anything particularly special, but somewhere in the back of my mind, I know what day it is. On January 9th, I reflect from time to time on it being the day that changed my life the most, and I then go back to my present world in 2010.
Am I over it? In many ways, yes.
I have no idea what it would look like to have a mom. I can’t imagine someone doing the classic “mom” things for me, or with me. I am okay with that. I don’t expect it, or look for it. I have made my peace with this as who I am. I sometimes think my heart is a little more hardened to protect me from missing any of those things, and from the independence that was forced upon me.
Becoming a mom has probably been one of the biggest things that helped me. Loving unconditionally, and being loved from a child unconditionally, filled my heart in so many ways that took away so much of the sting of not having a mom. Also, I have acquired so many gifts from my loss that I now embrace and cherish.
Am I over it? In many ways, no.
My life is still forever different because of January 9th. There still is a hole in my heart. I know I will never get that love from anyone else in my life like I would have from having a mother. I still have some of the same weird “isms” that developed when I was a kid, coping with loss. I still don’t like conflict. I still feel very different than other females. I still wake up in the middle of the night and make sure my heart is still beating and hope I am not going to die in bed like my mother, before the sun comes up. I also have no expectation of anyone to be in my life for a long period of time. I expect them to have a season—long or short—but I am often okay, or not surprised, when the season ends.
I am really lucky my world has become largely filled with Comfort Zone people. When we are together we create our own majority –those who “get” loss. That is the world I feel most normal and at peace. It is a world filled with most of the finest people I know. These are people—kids and adults—who see the world with added dimension, colors, and depth because they HAVE experienced loss.
I was asked recently if I would give up a year of my life to have one more day with my mom (or dad). My answer was no. For me, my life is now filled with such a wonderful (and goofy) husband and my two kids. I love my life right now. I hate to give up a day with them, and would never sacrifice a year with them, EVEN if it was to have one more day with my mom. I think that means I am at a healthy place and a good place in my grief journey.
Comments
Am I over IT
My mother committed suicide when I was 22 in 1987. She has now been gone longer than she was here as my mother. My life has taken on new dimensions with people and a husband and children that she never knew. My life if full and wonderful and, yes, there will always be a hole left by her early death. She missed meeting my husband, and my children's births and their various other milestones. The fact that she never witnessed my siblings and me grow into adults with fantastic families and careers has always made me wistful. I am at a place in my life where the last 23 years far outweigh the negative damage that her suicide death created. It was not an easy road or one that I would wish on anyone. The anniversary of her death is January 28th. Lynne Hughes has been my friend for 28 years since we met at MSU. We met yesterday, and as usual, I am stunned that I always learn something about death and LIFE when I see her. She has been an incredible inspiration to me and thousands of others. Her life story is inspirational.
Well Said
Thank you Lynne for again reminding me that I am not so odd. (I was once in your Motherless Daughters group - ages ago). It's been 35 years for me since my mother passed (I am 37) and I wouldn't say I'm necessarily over it...there are reminders ALL OF THE TIME that she has never been here but I'm at a fine place in my life now as well.
am i over it?
well said! i don't believe there is an "over it." but there is a healthy place. my mom is 85 (next month) and i've been feeling her mortality. i want her to live forever, and i just realized recently that she won't. i am grateful in the extreme for her longevity, and i know i am not prepared to be an orphan - not even at 60 or more.
loss, or perhaps i think of it more as experience, came to me in 1997 when my 28 year old daughter left the planet. it's a very different perspective i think, but it was on january 26, and i also ponder and reflect this month. usually consciously. it's just a day, but i notice it. sometimes i fall into a funk for a while before the actual date. she left her body on the 15th and was in hospice for 11 days. as my son myk (a czc volunteer) noticed on the 15th, "she's not in there, is she?"
my family members don't call me on that day. they call after, but not on the 26th. when she died, i wrote a few paragraphs, and they simply said "thank you." i am grateful for her life, her kids, her joy in living. she was my best friend. and i miss her.
I agree
Lynne,
First off I want to say that I think your organization is wonderful. It is something that I wish was around when my own mother died, 40 years ago today. I was only 5 years old then and I really don't have any memories of her today. For me, growing up without a mother was simply "normal". That's the way it was and there wasn't anything that was going to change it. Every mother's day when my friends were with there mothers' I would get on my bicycle and explore.
Even though the attitude was "that's the way it is" was a good defense mechanism against life, it was a double edged sword. In grade school I had a certain heightened awareness about life's precarious nature and that gave me a certain maturity advantage in school. But on the other hand, in the 70s, especially in a Roman Catholic school, there was no support mechanism to fall back on when I had difficulties. Childhood depression and anxiety took over and I floundered. I developed a certain hardness and never let anything get to me, whether it was good or bad. I just tried to get through each day.
Fast forward to today I am a well adjusted loving husband and father of a wonderfully fantastic 8 year old girl. I love watching her play with her mother. And you know what, I am not the least bit envious of it either.
Growing up without a mother was a "part of me" and always will be. It's normal for me. I believe she's working behind the scenes trying to help me in one way or another. I like to think that she is my guardian angel In a way I was blessed that it happened when I was so young. There are no memories for me to latch on to either cherish or lament.
For the people who have lost loved one's later in life I am sure that everyday is a struggle. That's is why I believe your organization is a heaven sent. God bless you and keep up this wonderfully fantastic mission.
re:Lynne's post "Am I over it?"
I would have written pretty much the same thing. My father died at 14 but I have no idea what it is like to go through the teen years with a dad...
His anniversary is coming up as well, that being 1/22. I don't do anything special on that day either but somehow I remember...it is the 22nd of January, the day he died, but now coming up on 23 years since his death, I am over it in some ways as you said and not in other ways.
Charles F
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